Every problem has a solution. At least that's what I tell my daughter all the time. I tell her that so much, that it has become cliché.
The problem with my man, as I told the story in my previous post, was that he had to win back my trust. Not easy. The solution we finally came up with was that whenever I felt uneasy, I could check his texts or his FaceBook page which he left open for me at all times. He was spending much of his time at my place anyway. It still made me uneasy. I really didn't want to be THAT girl. I didn't want to have to feel that I needed to check up on him. However, we felt it would be a form of training wheels until I felt comfortable enough to go back to where we were. Slowly, we were getting there. That's when we decided to move in together. After all, we were supposed to get a house together last year, but that fell through due to circumstances beyond our control.
Just one month after the move, I caught him lying to my face and hiding things from me. Once again, my spidey senses started tingling and I had the feeling that he was deleting texts and FaceBook messages. On several occasions, I stated my fears to him. He dismissed them, and told me he that he was not deleting anything. I tried to have faith, but that feeling just kept gnawing at me. So I did a little digging and found something that seemed to indicate that I might be right.
Last Monday, I broached the topic with him. I explained to him that nothing that he could be communicating would be worse than purposely hiding and lying to me, even if he was trying to protect my feelings. I don't like feeling like a fool. Again, he stood his position.
Tuesday comes and I find more indicators. I don't want to share them with him because I don't want to teach him how to deceive me even better. I ask him point blank again, "Are you deleting messages?" Denial, again. So I ask him to open his email account and prove it. He agrees. As he is signing in, I hear his breathing becoming noticeably more shallow and rapid. He suddenly flings his hands up in the air and says "I can't do this!!!" He stands up and confesses he has been deleting messages. I look through the emails and ask questions. I find a few things that I'm not thrilled with, but can deal with.
You see, my man was a performer for a long time. That's why he was such a good liar. He even was part of a comedy troupe for several years. He likes to push the envelope. Apparently, he thought his risqué comments would be a deal-breaker for me. When in fact, it wasn't. What is a deal-breaker is dishonesty. He almost lost me trying to protect me. The fact of the matter is that he didn't trust our relationship. He almost tore it up over something stupid. I do know that he doesn't want to lose me and my daughter.
The next day, he called me at work. He was actually crying. I've never heard him cry. Not even when his younger sister passed a couple of years ago. Final result: he's getting one more chance. He gave me all his passwords and said I could feel free to check anytime I like. Who needs that, when you've got my spidey senses? If he screws up again, he is very well aware that I am going to fully embrace the cliché: Three Strikes, You're Out!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
All Blogged Up...
All blogged up and nothing to type. At least that's what it's feeling like now. Just a swirl of ideas. Was moved to start this blog in an effort to create order out of chaos. And yes, I expect nothing less than the impossible.
I'm a single mom and my boyfriend just moved in with me last month. Which leads to the question that I've asked for years: What is the appropriate term for the person with whom you're engaged in a monogamous relationship, but not married to, when you're over the age of 30? I've gone round and round on this topic with many people. "Friend" does not say enough, "Lover" says too much, and "Partner" sounds like you should open up a law firm.
So, BF moves in. Just a month later, I find out he's been lying to my face.
To give a little background information, back in March I caught him having an inappropriate relationship with a woman from his past who he found on FaceBook. First I must state emphatically that he did not have sex with her. She lives 300 miles away. And while he rocks a good size cock, it's not big enough to cross half the state. Nonetheless, an intimate relationship formed. I started to suspect something around the holidays last year. I thought there were way too many texts and i.m.-ings going on (Red Flag). When I called him on it, he said I was being jealous and crazy. I've been called crazy, but never jealous. I was NEVER that kind of girl. In the past, I always had lots of male friends and understood if a man had female friends. He was very defensive and emotional (Another Red Flag). He is never emotional.
Things finally come to a head at the end of April. I wake up from a dream where I am told, and I kid you not, that I have to "save him from himself'". In my sweat-soaked tank-top with adrenaline coursing through my veins, I pace the floors wondering what to do. Before I can talk myself out of it, I find myself grabbing his keys and heading to his car to get his cell phone. He took to keeping his cell phone in his car when he was over my place (*nodding* Yes, another Red Flag). I pull up his texts and try to read them, but I forgot my glasses. I go back to my place, get them, and go back out to the car. I'm committed now. I just know in every fiber of my being there is something there...and I'm not going to like it. I've never done anything like this before. It reminded me of an episode of 'Sex In The City' where Carrie snoops through her new boyfriend's belongings because he's too good to be true. She gets caught. I don't care. This is different. I just know...
The painful truth comes to light. I am right. Just that day, their relationship started to take a more sexual turn. Sexually charged remarks and photos were exchanged and to put the cherry on top, a video was sent in which he blows a kiss and says 'love you...'. My stomach starts to burn as I feel the acid race up my throat. Where the hell did this elephant come from that is now sitting on my chest??!! True Cliché: My heart is broken.
I'm up for hours till he wakes. I start asking questions about the woman in question. I then ask to see his texts. He is not yet aware that I went into his phone. He tries to bluff me, saying "You want to see it???? Here! Let's Look!!!" He expected me to say "No honey, you're offering to show it to me so you Must be innocent."
Dick.
Changing tactics, he decides that he can't show me based on principle. Principle? You've got to be kidding me. I ask him to leave, still not revealing what I know. The next day, I reveal what I know. It's been my m.o. in the past to leave. Run away. I've never put up with anyone's crap. True Cliché: Love makes you do crazy things. We came up with a solution to work through it. That will be for the next post.
I'm a single mom and my boyfriend just moved in with me last month. Which leads to the question that I've asked for years: What is the appropriate term for the person with whom you're engaged in a monogamous relationship, but not married to, when you're over the age of 30? I've gone round and round on this topic with many people. "Friend" does not say enough, "Lover" says too much, and "Partner" sounds like you should open up a law firm.
So, BF moves in. Just a month later, I find out he's been lying to my face.
To give a little background information, back in March I caught him having an inappropriate relationship with a woman from his past who he found on FaceBook. First I must state emphatically that he did not have sex with her. She lives 300 miles away. And while he rocks a good size cock, it's not big enough to cross half the state. Nonetheless, an intimate relationship formed. I started to suspect something around the holidays last year. I thought there were way too many texts and i.m.-ings going on (Red Flag). When I called him on it, he said I was being jealous and crazy. I've been called crazy, but never jealous. I was NEVER that kind of girl. In the past, I always had lots of male friends and understood if a man had female friends. He was very defensive and emotional (Another Red Flag). He is never emotional.
Things finally come to a head at the end of April. I wake up from a dream where I am told, and I kid you not, that I have to "save him from himself'". In my sweat-soaked tank-top with adrenaline coursing through my veins, I pace the floors wondering what to do. Before I can talk myself out of it, I find myself grabbing his keys and heading to his car to get his cell phone. He took to keeping his cell phone in his car when he was over my place (*nodding* Yes, another Red Flag). I pull up his texts and try to read them, but I forgot my glasses. I go back to my place, get them, and go back out to the car. I'm committed now. I just know in every fiber of my being there is something there...and I'm not going to like it. I've never done anything like this before. It reminded me of an episode of 'Sex In The City' where Carrie snoops through her new boyfriend's belongings because he's too good to be true. She gets caught. I don't care. This is different. I just know...
The painful truth comes to light. I am right. Just that day, their relationship started to take a more sexual turn. Sexually charged remarks and photos were exchanged and to put the cherry on top, a video was sent in which he blows a kiss and says 'love you...'. My stomach starts to burn as I feel the acid race up my throat. Where the hell did this elephant come from that is now sitting on my chest??!! True Cliché: My heart is broken.
I'm up for hours till he wakes. I start asking questions about the woman in question. I then ask to see his texts. He is not yet aware that I went into his phone. He tries to bluff me, saying "You want to see it???? Here! Let's Look!!!" He expected me to say "No honey, you're offering to show it to me so you Must be innocent."
Dick.
Changing tactics, he decides that he can't show me based on principle. Principle? You've got to be kidding me. I ask him to leave, still not revealing what I know. The next day, I reveal what I know. It's been my m.o. in the past to leave. Run away. I've never put up with anyone's crap. True Cliché: Love makes you do crazy things. We came up with a solution to work through it. That will be for the next post.
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