I picked up my four year-old daughter from preschool. After buckling her into the car, she turns to me with those intense, dark eyes and smiles broadly. I melt as I always do. I'm so in love with this kid. No matter what chaos is going on in my life, she centers me. She hugs my neck and I can smell the scent of the playground in her hair mixed with a little sweat. Spring in South Florida heats up fast. I get into the front seat of the car and start the drive home.
"Mommy?" I hear her dainty voice making sure I have her attention.
"Yes, Doodle?" I peered into the rear-view mirror to look at her innocent face.
"I'm gonna marry Jenna," she announced with an air of certainty.
"You mean Jonathan or Tannor?" I tried to clarify.
"NO. Jen-Na," she enunciated, like I was a little slow on the uptake.
"I see. You're not going to marry a boy?"
"No. They are scary and they always want to act like a monster or a animal," she explained.
Yea, that doesn't change much, kid, but they do grow on you. "You might change your mind when you get older," I suggested. "So there are going to be two mommies in your family?" I'm in for a penny, I guess.
"That would be silly," she giggles.
"Mommy, maybe when I'm five I'll marry a boy after Jenna." We pull up into the parking space and my honey comes to help us get some things out of the car. "That's who I'll marry, mommy," she says pointing at my boyfriend.
Okay, my little budding bisexual, darling divorcee with an Electra complex. Clearly, I'm going to have my hands full in the next few years.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
When It Floods, It Rains
Last week I got a call from a client. "My house is flooded and I need to reschedule my appointment. Is there anything available tomorrow?", she desperately inquires. I explain there was indeed one cancellation the next day, but with only enough time to complete one component of her services. She happily takes it.
The next day she comes in and as soon as her appointment is done, she asks if there were time for one more service. Fortunately for her, someone did indeed cancel and we were able to accommodate her additional service. Again, she finishes her appointment and asks if by chance there were time to add just one more service. Again, she was saved by another cancellation. After such a horrible day just the day before, things seemed to be going her way. This really struck me.
I looked at her in all seriousness and pointed my finger almost forcefully. "You are really in the flow today. You should buy a lottery ticket or something. Something big could come your way." I was stunned by the way the words just flew out of my mouth. Later that night, during a guided mediation on abundance, that client drifted into my mind. Fast forward to this week. Same client comes back. She calls me over.
I suddenly get a big kiss as the client asks me to reach in her purse and grab her wallet. She then whips out a hundred dollar bill and hands it to me.
"I can't take this", I say shaking my head.
"You have to, it's good karma", she pleads.
"Okay, why?", I inquire.
"I took your advice", she grins.
"Did you win something?"
"You spoke to me with such certainty that I felt I had to follow your advice."
"Well, I can't take credit. You followed the advice...", I trailed off.
She interrupted me with the words: "Twenty-three thousand dollars on the two-cent slots."
"Woo-hoo!", I exclaimed. My excitement was so electric that any outsider would have thought I had won the twenty-three thousand dollars. I then remembered the moment in the guided mediation when she popped in my head. It was during the part where they were talking about being excited with another's fortune is a sign of being "in the vortex" (or flow).
I was just happy to play a role in her synchronicity.
The next day she comes in and as soon as her appointment is done, she asks if there were time for one more service. Fortunately for her, someone did indeed cancel and we were able to accommodate her additional service. Again, she finishes her appointment and asks if by chance there were time to add just one more service. Again, she was saved by another cancellation. After such a horrible day just the day before, things seemed to be going her way. This really struck me.
I looked at her in all seriousness and pointed my finger almost forcefully. "You are really in the flow today. You should buy a lottery ticket or something. Something big could come your way." I was stunned by the way the words just flew out of my mouth. Later that night, during a guided mediation on abundance, that client drifted into my mind. Fast forward to this week. Same client comes back. She calls me over.
I suddenly get a big kiss as the client asks me to reach in her purse and grab her wallet. She then whips out a hundred dollar bill and hands it to me.
"I can't take this", I say shaking my head.
"You have to, it's good karma", she pleads.
"Okay, why?", I inquire.
"I took your advice", she grins.
"Did you win something?"
"You spoke to me with such certainty that I felt I had to follow your advice."
"Well, I can't take credit. You followed the advice...", I trailed off.
She interrupted me with the words: "Twenty-three thousand dollars on the two-cent slots."
"Woo-hoo!", I exclaimed. My excitement was so electric that any outsider would have thought I had won the twenty-three thousand dollars. I then remembered the moment in the guided mediation when she popped in my head. It was during the part where they were talking about being excited with another's fortune is a sign of being "in the vortex" (or flow).
I was just happy to play a role in her synchronicity.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Invisible Man
Bret Favre. Jesse James. Ashton Kutcher. Tiger Woods. Just the most recent casualties of high-tech cheating. These men thought they could become invisible in the nether regions of cyberspace.
I've been thinking about "The Invisible Man" lately. Not so much the H.G. Wells story, but the later movies. Especially the version called "The Hollow Man" made in 2000. I remember watching one of those "behind the scenes" pieces and being particularly intrigued about a discussion of how morality declines if the actions of a person cannot be seen. Pretty sad. Basically, we all need to be our brother's keeper or society will go to Hell in a hand-basket. I couldn't believe that. It's just too grim. I refuse to believe that people are not basically good.
Ten years later, I'm revisiting that idea and rethinking my position. Since that movie came out, we've seen the internet explode and have introduced texting and Facebook into our everyday life. We are more connected, yet disconnected. More visible, yet invisible. I'm not saying we're in Hell, but Al Gore did get a Nobel Prize for telling us that it's getting a wee bit warmer. The simple fact is that people tend to say and do things behind computers and cell phones that they normally wouldn't do otherwise. This is the much touted, cliché-riddled, "double-edged sword". A lot of good and healing comes from being able to discuss matters freely and openly. A lot of hurt, divorce, and cyber-bullying occur as well.
I'm doing my fair share of healing from internet burn. It's been a while since my last post. Perhaps feeling like the invisible man can have a positive result if I'm free to express and heal openly, yet secretly. I've released a lot of venom privately over these last few months. Venom that has no place in the universe or out in cyberspace. I felt it was the responsible thing to do. It's my way of healing without doing harm to others. We are hit daily with toxic images and stories. I felt it was irresponsible to add to the mix. However, now that I'm less toxic, I'm ready to be more visible in my invisibility.
I've been thinking about "The Invisible Man" lately. Not so much the H.G. Wells story, but the later movies. Especially the version called "The Hollow Man" made in 2000. I remember watching one of those "behind the scenes" pieces and being particularly intrigued about a discussion of how morality declines if the actions of a person cannot be seen. Pretty sad. Basically, we all need to be our brother's keeper or society will go to Hell in a hand-basket. I couldn't believe that. It's just too grim. I refuse to believe that people are not basically good.
Ten years later, I'm revisiting that idea and rethinking my position. Since that movie came out, we've seen the internet explode and have introduced texting and Facebook into our everyday life. We are more connected, yet disconnected. More visible, yet invisible. I'm not saying we're in Hell, but Al Gore did get a Nobel Prize for telling us that it's getting a wee bit warmer. The simple fact is that people tend to say and do things behind computers and cell phones that they normally wouldn't do otherwise. This is the much touted, cliché-riddled, "double-edged sword". A lot of good and healing comes from being able to discuss matters freely and openly. A lot of hurt, divorce, and cyber-bullying occur as well.
I'm doing my fair share of healing from internet burn. It's been a while since my last post. Perhaps feeling like the invisible man can have a positive result if I'm free to express and heal openly, yet secretly. I've released a lot of venom privately over these last few months. Venom that has no place in the universe or out in cyberspace. I felt it was the responsible thing to do. It's my way of healing without doing harm to others. We are hit daily with toxic images and stories. I felt it was irresponsible to add to the mix. However, now that I'm less toxic, I'm ready to be more visible in my invisibility.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Every Problem Has A Solution
Every problem has a solution. At least that's what I tell my daughter all the time. I tell her that so much, that it has become cliché.
The problem with my man, as I told the story in my previous post, was that he had to win back my trust. Not easy. The solution we finally came up with was that whenever I felt uneasy, I could check his texts or his FaceBook page which he left open for me at all times. He was spending much of his time at my place anyway. It still made me uneasy. I really didn't want to be THAT girl. I didn't want to have to feel that I needed to check up on him. However, we felt it would be a form of training wheels until I felt comfortable enough to go back to where we were. Slowly, we were getting there. That's when we decided to move in together. After all, we were supposed to get a house together last year, but that fell through due to circumstances beyond our control.
Just one month after the move, I caught him lying to my face and hiding things from me. Once again, my spidey senses started tingling and I had the feeling that he was deleting texts and FaceBook messages. On several occasions, I stated my fears to him. He dismissed them, and told me he that he was not deleting anything. I tried to have faith, but that feeling just kept gnawing at me. So I did a little digging and found something that seemed to indicate that I might be right.
Last Monday, I broached the topic with him. I explained to him that nothing that he could be communicating would be worse than purposely hiding and lying to me, even if he was trying to protect my feelings. I don't like feeling like a fool. Again, he stood his position.
Tuesday comes and I find more indicators. I don't want to share them with him because I don't want to teach him how to deceive me even better. I ask him point blank again, "Are you deleting messages?" Denial, again. So I ask him to open his email account and prove it. He agrees. As he is signing in, I hear his breathing becoming noticeably more shallow and rapid. He suddenly flings his hands up in the air and says "I can't do this!!!" He stands up and confesses he has been deleting messages. I look through the emails and ask questions. I find a few things that I'm not thrilled with, but can deal with.
You see, my man was a performer for a long time. That's why he was such a good liar. He even was part of a comedy troupe for several years. He likes to push the envelope. Apparently, he thought his risqué comments would be a deal-breaker for me. When in fact, it wasn't. What is a deal-breaker is dishonesty. He almost lost me trying to protect me. The fact of the matter is that he didn't trust our relationship. He almost tore it up over something stupid. I do know that he doesn't want to lose me and my daughter.
The next day, he called me at work. He was actually crying. I've never heard him cry. Not even when his younger sister passed a couple of years ago. Final result: he's getting one more chance. He gave me all his passwords and said I could feel free to check anytime I like. Who needs that, when you've got my spidey senses? If he screws up again, he is very well aware that I am going to fully embrace the cliché: Three Strikes, You're Out!
The problem with my man, as I told the story in my previous post, was that he had to win back my trust. Not easy. The solution we finally came up with was that whenever I felt uneasy, I could check his texts or his FaceBook page which he left open for me at all times. He was spending much of his time at my place anyway. It still made me uneasy. I really didn't want to be THAT girl. I didn't want to have to feel that I needed to check up on him. However, we felt it would be a form of training wheels until I felt comfortable enough to go back to where we were. Slowly, we were getting there. That's when we decided to move in together. After all, we were supposed to get a house together last year, but that fell through due to circumstances beyond our control.
Just one month after the move, I caught him lying to my face and hiding things from me. Once again, my spidey senses started tingling and I had the feeling that he was deleting texts and FaceBook messages. On several occasions, I stated my fears to him. He dismissed them, and told me he that he was not deleting anything. I tried to have faith, but that feeling just kept gnawing at me. So I did a little digging and found something that seemed to indicate that I might be right.
Last Monday, I broached the topic with him. I explained to him that nothing that he could be communicating would be worse than purposely hiding and lying to me, even if he was trying to protect my feelings. I don't like feeling like a fool. Again, he stood his position.
Tuesday comes and I find more indicators. I don't want to share them with him because I don't want to teach him how to deceive me even better. I ask him point blank again, "Are you deleting messages?" Denial, again. So I ask him to open his email account and prove it. He agrees. As he is signing in, I hear his breathing becoming noticeably more shallow and rapid. He suddenly flings his hands up in the air and says "I can't do this!!!" He stands up and confesses he has been deleting messages. I look through the emails and ask questions. I find a few things that I'm not thrilled with, but can deal with.
You see, my man was a performer for a long time. That's why he was such a good liar. He even was part of a comedy troupe for several years. He likes to push the envelope. Apparently, he thought his risqué comments would be a deal-breaker for me. When in fact, it wasn't. What is a deal-breaker is dishonesty. He almost lost me trying to protect me. The fact of the matter is that he didn't trust our relationship. He almost tore it up over something stupid. I do know that he doesn't want to lose me and my daughter.
The next day, he called me at work. He was actually crying. I've never heard him cry. Not even when his younger sister passed a couple of years ago. Final result: he's getting one more chance. He gave me all his passwords and said I could feel free to check anytime I like. Who needs that, when you've got my spidey senses? If he screws up again, he is very well aware that I am going to fully embrace the cliché: Three Strikes, You're Out!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
All Blogged Up...
All blogged up and nothing to type. At least that's what it's feeling like now. Just a swirl of ideas. Was moved to start this blog in an effort to create order out of chaos. And yes, I expect nothing less than the impossible.
I'm a single mom and my boyfriend just moved in with me last month. Which leads to the question that I've asked for years: What is the appropriate term for the person with whom you're engaged in a monogamous relationship, but not married to, when you're over the age of 30? I've gone round and round on this topic with many people. "Friend" does not say enough, "Lover" says too much, and "Partner" sounds like you should open up a law firm.
So, BF moves in. Just a month later, I find out he's been lying to my face.
To give a little background information, back in March I caught him having an inappropriate relationship with a woman from his past who he found on FaceBook. First I must state emphatically that he did not have sex with her. She lives 300 miles away. And while he rocks a good size cock, it's not big enough to cross half the state. Nonetheless, an intimate relationship formed. I started to suspect something around the holidays last year. I thought there were way too many texts and i.m.-ings going on (Red Flag). When I called him on it, he said I was being jealous and crazy. I've been called crazy, but never jealous. I was NEVER that kind of girl. In the past, I always had lots of male friends and understood if a man had female friends. He was very defensive and emotional (Another Red Flag). He is never emotional.
Things finally come to a head at the end of April. I wake up from a dream where I am told, and I kid you not, that I have to "save him from himself'". In my sweat-soaked tank-top with adrenaline coursing through my veins, I pace the floors wondering what to do. Before I can talk myself out of it, I find myself grabbing his keys and heading to his car to get his cell phone. He took to keeping his cell phone in his car when he was over my place (*nodding* Yes, another Red Flag). I pull up his texts and try to read them, but I forgot my glasses. I go back to my place, get them, and go back out to the car. I'm committed now. I just know in every fiber of my being there is something there...and I'm not going to like it. I've never done anything like this before. It reminded me of an episode of 'Sex In The City' where Carrie snoops through her new boyfriend's belongings because he's too good to be true. She gets caught. I don't care. This is different. I just know...
The painful truth comes to light. I am right. Just that day, their relationship started to take a more sexual turn. Sexually charged remarks and photos were exchanged and to put the cherry on top, a video was sent in which he blows a kiss and says 'love you...'. My stomach starts to burn as I feel the acid race up my throat. Where the hell did this elephant come from that is now sitting on my chest??!! True Cliché: My heart is broken.
I'm up for hours till he wakes. I start asking questions about the woman in question. I then ask to see his texts. He is not yet aware that I went into his phone. He tries to bluff me, saying "You want to see it???? Here! Let's Look!!!" He expected me to say "No honey, you're offering to show it to me so you Must be innocent."
Dick.
Changing tactics, he decides that he can't show me based on principle. Principle? You've got to be kidding me. I ask him to leave, still not revealing what I know. The next day, I reveal what I know. It's been my m.o. in the past to leave. Run away. I've never put up with anyone's crap. True Cliché: Love makes you do crazy things. We came up with a solution to work through it. That will be for the next post.
I'm a single mom and my boyfriend just moved in with me last month. Which leads to the question that I've asked for years: What is the appropriate term for the person with whom you're engaged in a monogamous relationship, but not married to, when you're over the age of 30? I've gone round and round on this topic with many people. "Friend" does not say enough, "Lover" says too much, and "Partner" sounds like you should open up a law firm.
So, BF moves in. Just a month later, I find out he's been lying to my face.
To give a little background information, back in March I caught him having an inappropriate relationship with a woman from his past who he found on FaceBook. First I must state emphatically that he did not have sex with her. She lives 300 miles away. And while he rocks a good size cock, it's not big enough to cross half the state. Nonetheless, an intimate relationship formed. I started to suspect something around the holidays last year. I thought there were way too many texts and i.m.-ings going on (Red Flag). When I called him on it, he said I was being jealous and crazy. I've been called crazy, but never jealous. I was NEVER that kind of girl. In the past, I always had lots of male friends and understood if a man had female friends. He was very defensive and emotional (Another Red Flag). He is never emotional.
Things finally come to a head at the end of April. I wake up from a dream where I am told, and I kid you not, that I have to "save him from himself'". In my sweat-soaked tank-top with adrenaline coursing through my veins, I pace the floors wondering what to do. Before I can talk myself out of it, I find myself grabbing his keys and heading to his car to get his cell phone. He took to keeping his cell phone in his car when he was over my place (*nodding* Yes, another Red Flag). I pull up his texts and try to read them, but I forgot my glasses. I go back to my place, get them, and go back out to the car. I'm committed now. I just know in every fiber of my being there is something there...and I'm not going to like it. I've never done anything like this before. It reminded me of an episode of 'Sex In The City' where Carrie snoops through her new boyfriend's belongings because he's too good to be true. She gets caught. I don't care. This is different. I just know...
The painful truth comes to light. I am right. Just that day, their relationship started to take a more sexual turn. Sexually charged remarks and photos were exchanged and to put the cherry on top, a video was sent in which he blows a kiss and says 'love you...'. My stomach starts to burn as I feel the acid race up my throat. Where the hell did this elephant come from that is now sitting on my chest??!! True Cliché: My heart is broken.
I'm up for hours till he wakes. I start asking questions about the woman in question. I then ask to see his texts. He is not yet aware that I went into his phone. He tries to bluff me, saying "You want to see it???? Here! Let's Look!!!" He expected me to say "No honey, you're offering to show it to me so you Must be innocent."
Dick.
Changing tactics, he decides that he can't show me based on principle. Principle? You've got to be kidding me. I ask him to leave, still not revealing what I know. The next day, I reveal what I know. It's been my m.o. in the past to leave. Run away. I've never put up with anyone's crap. True Cliché: Love makes you do crazy things. We came up with a solution to work through it. That will be for the next post.
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